Some thoughts during the lonely hour of three

Night... the silence of this hour disheartens me. The dead of the night it must seem. Nothing stirs outside my window, no thoughts, no promises... no death. I feel the chill as if it wafts across the room around my dingy little oil heater. Still nothing stirs. Dead silence, a conflict unto itself... and still I wonder when sleep will take hold of me. Its all these late nights, lack of work and university holidays that are slowly driving me insane. To come off a busy semester and a part-time job to this is no evil twist of fate, just a coincidence.
There was once a day (long ago in my deep past) when I believed in fate and destiny, and that nothing happened by accident... but that was a different time, and I was a different person, full of bitter remorse and self pity. What has changed and why I wonder, but the answer is simple, I did some things in my past to prove that life isnt just driven by fate, and I gave up on self pity and trusted in my abilities enough to move forward. I also gave up on god. I still believe in jesus and that he was a great philosopher who had a great deal to teach about compassion and forgiveness (two of the greatest qualities that I try my best to uphold), but as far as religion goes (for me at least) the world is a chaotic maelstrom of suffering and pain, there is a reason for us all to live, but if we dont follow our heart our try to give ourselves a reason then the world certainly wont do that for us... and if we follow any one religion we will eventually end up questioning our own faith and this will then lead to a crisis that no one should need to go through. Its not worth it in the end. And when you've gone through that crisis it will only harden your resolve against faith, this is never a good thing. We all need faith. Faith is the cornerstone of our heart. But faith does not have to be for anything spiritual, it doesnt have to be faith in a god or in a higher power. The faith can be in yourself, and in others. It can help free you from the chains of suffering and pain. It can shield you in life and help you pull out of the darkest pits during the time of sorrow that you will undoubtably go through at some point in your life. Its there for you, only if you wish it to be. And it can disappear just as quickly as it comes to you if you give up.
Well, I'm starting to feel a bit more tired now... maybe I'm putting myself asleep with my own diatribe? If so then I cant imagine how bad an effect all this would have on the 3 odd people that may read this... to those people I am sorry if my polemic has a mild dozing effect, but its the first thought that came to my head and well, I might just do this every night that I feel the insomnia set in. good night! err... morning.